Calling it “the most shocking discovery ever made”, a historian at the Italian Center of History and Pasta announced that an ongoing study has found strong evidence that Rome was, in fact, built in a day. “It’s changing our perspective of the famous cliche,” she said. “How and why did the saying catch on, if Rome really was built in a day?”
Some researchers suggested that perhaps enemies of the Romans popularized the saying to discredit their amazing achievements, such as constructing about a kilometer of aqueduct every three minutes for 24 hours straight.
“When Christianity took over,” the historian said, “they probably didn’t want anyone to know that the early Romans were far more advanced despite not believing in the correct deity.”
When asked why he didn’t wear a shirt, the angel replied, “My pecs are too glorious to be contained by any fabric.”
Two angels touched down near Houston in a $2.2 million private jet on Sunday morning and immediately called for a press conference at 8 AM Monday.
During the 24 hours leading up to the much-anticipated event, media around the world was abuzz with speculation. Many thought the arrival of the luminous beings validated Christianity, while others pointed out that their unique headwear clearly identified them as Muslim angels. Skeptics explained that the whole thing was obviously a publicity stunt for a local megachurch, but after the angels were witnessed levitating large aircraft to pass the time, the prevailing non-religious theory shifted to the possibility that they were aliens visiting from another star system.
“I’m a winner. It’s what I do, I win. Even when I don’t know what I’m doing. So if anyone tells you that I won’t win at whatever I’m doing right now, they should be deported. I don’t care if they’re American. Deport them to the moon or something.” -Donald Trump
Leaders of both major political parties in America gathered last Friday to argue about which of them has been more effective at fostering stupidity and greed.
Republicans cited their strong record of creating mass hysteria, saying it has turned out to be one of the best environments for self-centered behaviors to flourish. However, points were docked for their ineffective approach to fogging up promising young minds, which mostly consisted of repeating the same nonsense over and over and expecting it to become real.
Democrats claimed that their ability to take intelligent people and make them totally lose touch with reality is unparalleled. “It’s one thing to lure in a bunch of idiots,” one member said, “but it’s quite another to turn formerly reasonable people into slobbering dimwits.”