Two angels touched down near Houston in a $2.2 million private jet on Sunday morning and immediately called for a press conference at 8 AM Monday.
During the 24 hours leading up to the much-anticipated event, media around the world was abuzz with speculation. Many thought the arrival of the luminous beings validated Christianity, while others pointed out that their unique headwear clearly identified them as Muslim angels. Skeptics explained that the whole thing was obviously a publicity stunt for a local megachurch, but after the angels were witnessed levitating large aircraft to pass the time, the prevailing non-religious theory shifted to the possibility that they were aliens visiting from another star system.
Billions of people around the world tuned in to watch the press conference, and the actual purpose of the angels’ visit came as a shock to many. Saying that they were “on a mission from God”, the taller, more ripped angel explained that they’d been sent specifically to enlighten America.
A Canadian reporter interjected, asking somewhat rudely why America should be chosen over all other countries, but after a withering glare from the dreamboat angel she apologized and complimented the color of his eyes.
“America has been chosen,” the angel said, “because their obesity rates are very high. America is in dire need of enlightening, and we are here to bring a weight loss plan guaranteed to help people lose those extra pounds fast.” He then turned the conference over to his associate who explained their detailed five-step plan to enlighten Americans.
In closing, the incredibly handsome angel explained that the plan was predestined. “You’re going to be enlightened whether you want it or not,” he said. “However, those who willingly submit will be given an eternal supply of zero-calorie chocolate. Anyone who resists will go through an alternate plan that involves melting the fat away with open flames while they scream and writhe in unbearable agony.”
At the time of this writing, the Canadian government reports that more than five million Americans have fled to Canada, raising the obesity rate there by several percent. Some Canadians are calling for immediate deportation of all American refugees, fearing that the angels will decide to expand their enlightenment plan to Canada.