Satire: Republicans and Democrats Compete for Distinction of Being the Worst

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“I’m a winner. It’s what I do, I win. Even when I don’t know what I’m doing. So if anyone tells you that I won’t win at whatever I’m doing right now, they should be deported. I don’t care if they’re American. Deport them to the moon or something.” -Donald Trump

Leaders of both major political parties in America gathered last Friday to argue about which of them has been more effective at fostering stupidity and greed.

Republicans cited their strong record of creating mass hysteria, saying it has turned out to be one of the best environments for self-centered behaviors to flourish. However, points were docked for their ineffective approach to fogging up promising young minds, which mostly consisted of repeating the same nonsense over and over and expecting it to become real.

Democrats claimed that their ability to take intelligent people and make them totally lose touch with reality is unparalleled. “It’s one thing to lure in a bunch of idiots,” one member said, “but it’s quite another to turn formerly reasonable people into slobbering dimwits.”

Supposedly impartial judges pointed out that Democrats are not nearly as entertaining as Republicans, which hurts the value of ads that run during their talk shows and debates. “Nobody makes the American people want useless hats more than Donald Trump does,” they said. “Television viewers are simply bored with the current cast of high-profile Democrats, who all look like they escaped from retirement homes.”

A famously nonpartisan member of the Supreme Court, who wishes to remain anonymous, was asked for his opinion. “I think the whole thing is silly,” the elderly judge said. “I remember when newspapers ran attack ads on Thomas Jefferson claiming he was going to ban Christianity and confiscate Bibles. People actually believed it. You’d think they’d learn better after more than two hundred years. I sure have.”

The slavish voting bases of both parties have been spotted in the comment sections of internet news reports and opinion pieces about the event. Some of the exchanges have become so heated that moderators are warning users not to read the comments to reduce the risk of having their faces melted.

At this time no consensus has been reached. However, Donald Trump has just said some things that “really raise the bar for stupidity”, according to an independent source. His statements are still being evaluated to see if they are ludicrous enough to give the Republicans a clear win.

Image: Business Insider

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